Ka-ka-du-du-du, push pineapples, shake the tree. Part one.

It was an easy drive to the start of Kakadu NP. Tarmac really is a great invention.

The penultimate mainland Australian World Heritage site

We spent our first night at Gunlom falls and this required driving ~25km on unsealed and heavily corrugated roads, this made me start to miss tarmac again. The site looked quite nice, although very pricy at $15 per person. The toilet block was a little shabby, and worse still, they seemed to have bought the prop toilets from prisoner cellblock H after it was cancelled.

Watch out for screws, while I hide this smack up my arse

We set up quickly and walked to a plunge pool nearby. It was divine, so the price must be all loction, location, location. We went for an afternoon dip, and decided that maybe Kakadu won’t be so shit after all and there might be a reason it's a World Heritage site… although Riversleigh fossil site had the same status and that was shit, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

These areas are under a crocodile management scheme, meaning any crocodiles that come into the area are removed. This is supposed to make it safe to swim, however you still do so at your own risk. For the first time in my life I actually wanted children swimming near me.

What the fuck was that?

After dinner my stomach decided I had no choice but to try the prison toilets. Sitting on my toilet-paper lined seat I realised that, other than the clichéd fear of sexual assault, it is shitting on this type of toilet that I really fear about prison.

The next morning we headed for the top of the waterfall. It is a kilometre walk up some rocky paths. Becky was still a little shaken after Nitmiluk, but the pools at the top sounded too good to miss and the distance was under her now 3km max limit. The hike up wasn’t that bad, and the views over southern Kakadu were pretty spectacular. By the time we reached the pools there were already several people there, but it didn’t matter, as the pools were fantastic. Even the ginger couple with his-n-her dreads didn’t bother me.

Morning dip

We spent some time playing in the pools and watching the sun break over the top of the falls.

Cleaning the bald spot

As the sun hit a great spot for a photo of Becky, with Kakadu stretching out behind her, a really ugly man planted himself in our shot. I tried to get a shot of her, with him cut out, but the shot didn’t come out that well. I should have just asked him to move, but my balls are not as big as Becky’s, so I didn’t.

Oddly framed to avoid the uggo

It was worse for the next lady who tried for the shot. He sat down only a few metres away and started picking his feet. It’s like he knew how ugly he was and was using this power to annoy people… after that I found myself kind of liking him.

We left Gunlom for Maguk, which is quite a similar to Gunlom, but has a much cheaper campsite. It wasn’t far, so didn’t take long. We did the mandatory circling of the whole site twice, before picking a large, secluded site at the very end. I think a huge termite mound near our site swung it.

Not feeling so big now

After we unpacked and set up, we got on with our new hobby of sorting through our shit. Every spare moment we have is spent sorting and reorganising the car, it’s like an addiction. As we were pottering away, the German couple from Butterfly Springs in Limmen NP took the spot next to us. We were gob smacked, I mean the whole site was empty and they chose to be next to us again. I’m getting a teardrop eye tattoo done in Darwin, and maybe a spider’s web on my neck.

A little while later, the German bloke came over to talk with us. Turns out he was Dutch and his partner was German. He was also a ginger. He was actually not that bad to talk to, although there were some glimpses that he was anti-immigration, ‘cos they get a free ride in Holland and two passports and don’t pay their taxes. He also mentioned that he didn’t like crowded places and they seek out solitude on their journey. THEN WHY HAVE YOU PARKED NEXT TO US ON TWO OCCASSIONS? He did give us a few tips for getting to the top of the Maguk waterfall. 

The next day we got up early and on her way back from her morning movement, Becky saw the now familiar Dutch ménage et trois vehicle in one of the sites. We had a tense 10 minutes, before seeing that they had left, but it drove home how ultra vigilant we'd have to be over the next few days. After breakfast we headed for the waterfall and plunge pool. It was a short drive and the car park was reasonably empty, bar a few tour buses. It was a short, rocky walk to the bottom waterfall, and we had to cross over the creek about mid-way through. As we waded across, a tour group passed us on the way out and the tour guide mentioned there was a route that didn't require getting your feet wet. I quipped that I had flip-flops/thongs on, ‘cos I’m a bad muthafucka, so who gives a shit. He mentioned the risk of crocodiles, to which I replied "how's a five metre killer going to hide in 10cm of crystal clear water, you fucktard"... I didn't really, I just nodded and went "ohh".

You're welcome to swim, but don't blame us if you end up dead

We were alone at the first pool and took a few obligatory photos, but neither of us dared swim in the much deeper water. It was too cold and the sun wasn’t on it, and it was too early, and I hadn’t brought the right swimming trunks, and I really needed to do some stretches first.

"I'll just sit here looking pretty"

This counts as getting in the water

We decided to walk to the top of the falls, and walked back to the creek crossing. Halfway there we spotted the path on the other side of the creek. As it was shallow and clear enough to see it was croc free we decided to take a shortcut across and removed our footwear. Close to the other bank Becky had tired of carrying her shoes and tried to throw her crocs (yep, she was rocking crocs) to the bank. Now, I’m not a fan of streotypes… that’s a lie as they can be quite funny and in this case Becky’s second throw was of that of a girl. We spent the next 5 minutes trying to rescue Becky’s croc from the croc-infested creek.

The walk to the top was very short, and easy in thongs. The pools at the top were even better than Gunlom, it would have been perfect if I’d have bought an esky up with some cold ones in it.

This is more like it

We spent several hours at the swimming hole, watching one small tour group leave, before another small group arrived. It was great; we even swam to a waterfall at the back of the plunge pools and I had a little climb over the rocks like an excited teenager.

Lovely spot!

As I was climbing back to the top of the waterfall, Becky called out that an older lady needed rescuing. A mature woman had jumped into a deep water hole, and couldn’t scramble up the sides to get out. There was no need to don my Captain Hindsight outfit this time, as several people had already told her what she’d done wrong… She’d jumped into a deep waterhole she couldn’t get out of. I climbed down, and with the help of a skinner, weaker man, tried to pull her out. She was on the plump side, and she flapped and panicked as we pulled her up. The skinny bloke was no help at all, more of a hindrance really and I couldn’t get the necessary purchase to pull her all the way out. To get her over the last bit I needed to grab her by the shorts, but I didn’t want to get that friendly. In the end her husband came over and grabbed her by the crotch to properly beach her; it was quite a kerfuffle and she was very embarrassed but grateful. Becky said it was hilarious to watch…She should have taken a photo. I took a rest in the pool after, because it’s very hard being the hero all the time.

Rest up brave hero, as the woman you saved relaxes behind you

We went back to camp shortly after for lunch. Fully fed, we went for a closer look at the termite mounds, and while walking back Becky spotted the tail of a snake slithering away. She shit herself and ran screaming. I went looking for it but Becky barked at me like a toddler to stay away from the dangerous snakes, and unlike a toddler I did what I was told and sulked back to camp having not seen the little blighter. I spent the rest of the day in a huff. I wanted to see the snake, it's not fair!

Tomorrow Jim Jim Falls!